Puppies are also better than women!

Here's why:

1. 1. We don’t wear makeup. You will never get lipstick marks from smooching us!

Mwaw!

2 2. You will never have to wait for us to finish getting ready for a date.

Puppies need only minimal primping.

3. 3. If you take us out, it won’t cost you anything. A nice walk down the street is just fine with your doggie.

Walkies!

4. We don’t spend money buying purses or shoes. Actually, we might even help you reduce the number of shoes you have (nom, nom.)

5 5. You will never have to listen to us talk about our feelings. In fact, we are very good listeners for whatever you want to talk about. Yes, even sports. We would love to hear all about that great catch you made in ninth grade. Again.

Ha! You crack me up!

6 6. Puppies do not tell embarrassing stories about you to their friends. Well, if they did, you wouldn’t know, because I have yet to meet the human who can speak dog. My mommy says she wants to learn, but I have my doubts about her linguistic abilities.

7. We will never say, “We need to talk.” If I could talk, I might say “We need to play fetch!”

8. 8. We don’t mind if you hang out with the boys. Especially if you do it at home. Those guys are slobs, they drop all kinds of nummy things.

Pig out!

9. 9. We totally won’t complain if you burp, scratch, or do any of those other things like that. We won’t even complain if you figure out a way to lick your own butt.

10. We will never, ever ask you “Does this collar make me look fat?” Although we might crawl weakly across the floor, whimpering, so you can see that we are starving and need to be fed.

Does my butt look big in this picture?

P.S. If any of this seems sexist or simplistic, blame my parents. They let me watch Two and a Half Men on TV.

Watchin' TV.

The Top Ten Reasons Why...

Puppies are better than babies

Do not confuse fur babies with people puppies.

1. Diapers. Ick! If you thought scooping the poop was bad, just try changing diapers. Even a human can smell that. At least doggies go outside, not in the house.

2. If you fed your kid the same thing every day, it might be child abuse. Feed me the same thing…feed me anything…and I will love you forever! And no arguments about vegetables or the clean plate club.

3. No talking back. Although I have been known to scold my humans. (Only when they really need it.)

4. We’re cheap. You can get puppies for free. Please adopt a puppy, so many of us need good homes. Apparently you have to pay for babies. Or at least pay the people vet.

5. You can’t get your kids fixed. Even if some parents of teenagers might want to. We saw a bumper sticker downtown that said “Spay and neuter your pets. And all your weird friends and relatives, too.” Um, I have a few humans I would like to nominate, please.

6. No college fund. Although my mommy says if I get any smarter she will start saving up for me to go to school. Is that a threat? I’m not really sure.

7. We’re soft and furry. Babies are bald. Some of them even look a bit like Voldemort, with no hair and flat noses. I am told they outgrow that awkward phase. But, really, dogs are cuter than humans.

8. You can let us sleep in bed with you. I am puzzled that it is apparently uncool to let your people puppies do that. I guess they are too helpless to hog the bed the way puppies do. Come on, you know you want puppy cuddles on a cold night.

I love you, Derek!

9. We can hold up our own heads, thank you very much. Although it is kind of cute when babies are all helpless and floppy. It makes me want to lick their little drool-y chins.

Heads up! (An out-take from the Midas photo shoot.)

10. You can leave us at home without a sitter. And you can put us in a pen without anyone calling the authorities. In fact, we kind of like having a snug little den to go to.

This is my den, also known as the "Dog Cave."

Bonus reasons: if you bathe us once a month, you are a good parent. Just try that with a people puppy! If you brush our teeth occasionally, we’re good. Humans, not so much. No offense, but “human breath” can get pretty stinky.

Incredibly cute word of the day: pummy = puppy + tummy.

I point out the pummy area with my little paw.

Dharma explains. . .

Why dogs are better than cats.

We’ll skip to the top ten reasons, even though there are many more we could mention.

10. There is no such thing as a guard cat. Sure, your cat might attack a burglar, but just for the fun of it. Not to defend you or anything.

Always watching.

9. Cats don’t bark. Doggies bark to warn of danger: fire, robbers, alien invasion, birds in the grass, killer squirrels… If your house were on fire, do you think a little mew would wake you?

8. Our spit is antiseptic. If we lick your wounds, it actually helps you get better. Cats have sandpaper tongues. You don’t want them licking your boo-boo!

Kiss!

7. We do our “business” outside. No kitty litter, no stinky boxes!

6. We may steal your pillow, but we will not try to sleep on your face.

But, Mommy, where are you going to sleep?

5. No claws. No, I do not have claws. Those are toenails, and you need to trim them. A little polish wouldn’t hurt, either.

4. We will walk on leashes. Just try doing that with a cat! And this encourages you to exercise. (You know you need it.)

Faster, Mommy, faster!

3. Have you ever seen an assistive cat? No, a cat would just let you lie there on the floor instead of getting help. He might even sit on you.

I'm not sitting. I'm snuggling.

2. Cats don’t fetch. They have servants to do that for them.

I brought it, now you throw it.

1.Cats expect you to worship them. Doggies worship you. We love you! I actually saw a bumper sticker that said “Lord, please help me to be the person my dog thinks I am.” Such a nice sentiment.

There, I hope that clears up a few things.

My crazy humans

Dharma here. Today, I would like to tell you about my parents (my adoptive parents, that is, Emilie and Derek.) I know that all kids say this, but I think my parents might be crazy. Even considering the fact that they are human, they do such strange things.

They wear clothes when it is very, very hot outside. Derek even wore a dress shirt and tie when it was over 100!

My parents went to Las Vegas, in August, then they dressed up and went outside. Geez!

If you must wear clothes, why can't they be those nice, soft pajama things? The ones you don't mind if I shed on?

Me and Mommy, in our comfy pajamas (I am checking the box for contraband sausages.)

And you wear such silly outfits, too. Not only do my parents dress me in silly clothes, they also wear them, too. Why is this?

See? Crazy!

Why do they spend money on things you can't eat or play with or chew? Mommy has dozens of shoes, but she won't let me chew on any of them. And she only has two feet, not four. Surely she has a few extras I could munch on.

My humans keep bringing home bags of stuff with no dog food or toys in there. This is unacceptable. Mommy went to the Antique Mall, and all she bought was some tiny little dishes. They are kind of pretty, but they certainly aren't big enough to hold even a small, dachshund-sized snack.

Mommy's fancy dishes. She has lots of little "salts." See them on the middle shelf? Tiny!

Even crazier, I overheard my parents talking about possibly "fostering" another dog. And I know there is no way they could return the dog when the time came. They would want to keep it. As if I am not enough dog for them. Hmmph! I had better go stir up some trouble to keep my parents occupied. Maybe Booger Dog could give me some advice.

Lookin' for trouble. Is it Dharma...or Booger Dog?

Dachshund Doppelganger

Dharma here. Today I would like to introduce you to the "other dog" who lives in my house. Some might call him an imaginary friend, but he is real to me. His name is Booger Dog. He is very naughty. I am never naughty, but Booger Dog does all sorts of bad things. He pees on the floor, he chews up Mommy's shoes, he shreds pretty Mommy's belly dance scarf. See, I would never do any of those things. I am a very good little girl.

Sweet, adorable Dharma, being a good puppy.

My parents get confused sometimes, because Booger Dog looks just like me. Except, of course, he's a boy. So they think that it is me doing all that bad stuff. Totally ridiculous, I tell you! Even if you thought you saw me doing something bad, you were mistaken. It was obviously Booger Dog.

Booger Dog, in mysterious silhouette, plotting backyard mayhem.

You can tell, just by looking at me, how innocent and sweet I am, right? I would never do some of the naughty things Booger Dog does. He chews up my nicest toys, he tries to dig holes in the carpet, and he even hides under the bed and refuses to come out.

A rare photo of Booger Dog. See, he's trying to steal Mommy's birthday presents. If the tissue paper wasn't in the way, you could see that he's a boy--and not me!

I tell you, this Booger is giving me a bad reputation. Siblings can be such a pain sometimes!

Editor's note: Booger Dog could not be reached for comment before this story went to press.

Furry Princess

Who is Dharma channeling now? A famous Shakespearean character. No, not Ophelia (there's no water.)

She is Titania, the Queen of the Fairies in Shakespeare's Midsummers Night's Dream.

I know a bank where the wild thyme blows,

Where oxlips and the nodding violet grows,

Quite over-canopied with luscious woodbine,

With sweet musk-roses and with eglantine:

There sleeps Titania sometime of the night,

Lull'd in these flowers with dances and delight;

And there the snake throws her enamell'd skin,

Weed wide enough to wrap a fairy in

If you look closely, you can even see a hint of snake-skin in her curtained bower. According to the play, she sleeps surrounded by her fairies. They sing her a lullaby.

FIRST FAIRY. You spotted snakes with double tongue,

Thorny hedgehogs, be not seen;

Newts and blind-worms, do no wrong;

Come not near our fairy queen.

Hence away!

CHORUS. Philomel, with melody,

Sing in our sweet lullaby;

Lulla, lulla, lullaby; lully, lulla, lullaby;

Never harm,

Nor spell, nor charm,

Come our lovely lady nigh;

So, good night, with lullaby.

SECOND FAIRY. Weaving spiders come not here;

Hence, you long legg-d spinners, hence!

Beetles black, approach not near;

Worm nor snail, do no offence.

Come not here.

CHORUS. Philomel with melody, etc.

FIRST FAIRY. Hence, away! Now all is well.

One aloof stand sentinel.

Sleepy fairy princess.

Looks like the lullaby worked! No snakes, hedgehogs, or spiders. And a slightly sleepy puppy. She even hopped back onto the butterfly pillow after I put away the flowers. (I think she was hoping for more treats.)

Heroic Dads

Read about a heroic dad

My Daddy would have done this for me. How do I know? Well, aside from my childhood belief that my father was Indiana Jones, I do know. Because he kind of did. Maybe it wasn't as dramatic, and it certainly didn't make local television. But my Daddy risked his life to save mine.

When I was a sophomore in high school (yeah, not even a cute, helpless little girl), a severe tornado struck near our house. It hit the Air Force base that was about five blocks away. You can see a video of the tornado here. You may have seen this tornado video on the Weather Channel before. It was an EF5 (Enhanced Fujita Scale, at that time a 5 was the highest, most severe rating. It is still the highest rating that has ever been observed.) 17 people were killed, winds reached 200 mph, and many well-constructed houses were totally destroyed.

This storm produced 55 tornados across multiple states. We were already in the basement, watching the weather. When the video of the tornado hitting the Air Force Base came on TV, my Dad started to get "a little worried," as he later put it. He put my mother and brother under the computer desk, covered them with couch cushions, and put me under the big, old oak desk. Then he covered me with his own body. He didn't even try to cover his head, he put his arms around me, using himself as a shield.

The tornado didn't hit our house. If it had, I doubt any of us would have survived, even in the basement under sturdy furniture. If I had, it would have only been because of my Daddy.

Less than block away, the tornado destroyed several large, wooden telephone poles in an otherwise empty field. They were never found. Perhaps they turned into toothpicks?

Thank you Daddy, for putting my life ahead of yours. I know I can never repay you. I am so lucky to have you for a Daddy!